Why I Hate Legolas
by The Gothic Elf
Summary: Firstly, it's not me personally that hates Legolas, it is the central character of this story. I wrote this to say that I don't know why everybody thinks Legolas is a she-elf's elf. I don't think so.
1. Default Chapter

I know EXACTLY what you're thinking. You're thinking: this is another one of those saccharine, completely implausible and mind-numbingly predictable tales of Legolas-love.  
  
WRONG. Now you're thinking: I've been here before. It's tale of Legolas- love but because the author wants me to read it, she's saying it's not.  
  
In fact, in this story, I am going to tell my reader exactly what I think about Legolas.  
  
If any readers don't like this, please can tell they me where exactly they got the idea that Legolas cared for a girl/she-elf/lady back in mirkwood/ rivendell/ laketown/sundry other Mary-Sue locations, and didn't give his mind up to concentrating totally on the quest (which, I might add, is probably what makes him such a good archer and warrior).  
  
Down to the last paragraph/screenplay page.  
  
Why I Hate Legolas  
  
The bright moon shone down upon the Mirkwood forest. Underneath it, the light coming in her balcony, the young future queen of Mirkwood slept deeply, long dark hair fanned out messily over her bed, limbs sprawled over the coverlet.  
  
In fact, almost the whole of the forest slept. A few sentries were sleepily stationed around a smoky fire, which merrily burned scented pine branches and crackled occasionally.  
  
They had no need to stay alert.there was no threat of invasion to their home-The Orcish armies were all headed towards Gondor and Rohan.  
  
There was no reason for them to attack Mirkwood, after all. A sentry rose and tiredly stacked another branch onto the fire. Only another hour of duty to go.  
  
~~~~~~*~~~~~~  
  
Underneath the same moon, the future king of Mirkwood was standing, hundreds of miles away. He thought about her occasionally. Not very often, but sometimes, when it was like this, still and quiet, he'd almost miss her. Almost.  
  
After all, she was just a she-elf, prettier than most, but no she-elf was worth more than being with the Fellowship. She-elves wouldn't be any use, they were there to look pretty and greet him when he came home.  
  
So some of them could ride and shoot half-decent, but that was surely just for show when they had the he-elves to protect them, Legolas thought.  
  
~~~~~~*~~~~~~  
  
Thalionnaur the guard was seated, back to the fire.  
  
' How long is it until the next sentries relieve us?' the guard on his right asked him.  
  
' Not more then an hour, by my reckoning'  
  
' 'Tis a fine night, is it not?' he asked Thalionnaur.  
  
But there was no more than a slight gasp and a rustling noise. The wind in the trees.  
  
'Thalionnaur?'  
  
Silence. He glanced to his right. His friend lay, face down on the forest floor with a black-feathered shaft sticking from between his shoulders, blood slowly pooling next to the fire. The guard jumped up in horror, and a shout started in his throat, but another dark arrow came whistling out from the trees and claimed him before he could yell, piercing his throat.  
  
All through the forest, Orcs had crept, knowing the guards had grown careless and now they burst out from their hiding places, screaming with blood-curdling yells and brandishing foul-looking weapons.  
  
They had got rid of the few sentries first, and their bodies were scattered on the ground, bleeding. The horde passed over them unheeding, trampling them into the ground, hollering eagerly to carry out the task they had been ordered to.  
  
The lead few Orcs reached the first tree - house, where a candle light was clumsily flickering in the top window, and the others listened to the horrific screams with anticipation, as they scaled the steps and battered the door down. 


	2. Why I Hate LegolasPart 2

Dinondo awoke to the sound of fighting beneath her window. She had dreamt.dreamt of many things, but she remembered having her Prince back, laying beside her, stroking her hair like she was some sort of pet, murmuring words down her ears when she wished to sleep - meaningless, pointless words. She shivered. It wasn't a pleasant dream.  
  
The sound of metal clashing below. Something was very, very wrong. She tumbled out of bed, and ran to her balcony. There were orcs-three of them, attacking one of her neighbours. The he-elf was winning, filigree blades flashing silver in the moonlight, but only just, and there were more orcs slipping behind him, trampling up the entrance to where his family was.  
  
There were lights coming on through the forest now, the invaders carried torches, dipped in a barrel of pitch they had found at one of the houses. They were burning the homes as they went - already those on the borders were ablaze.  
  
Dino felt sick with fear.soon the whole forest would be alight, and there were more goblins coming. Closer and closer to her house, what if they found her and killed her? There would be no escape from.imagine dying on the end of one of those cruel hooked knives, watching the blood...no!  
  
Something had to be done. she found her boots and stuffed them on her feet. Leggings.need leggings to run in, get a message to the King quickly, get the Hall soldiers alerted, come and fight the intruders.  
  
She cursed as she frantically tried to find her leggings, her bow and arrows, stumbling into things in the dark and all the time tears coursing down her cheeks, terrified of being found and killed.  
  
^^^^^ 'I don't know why you wear those. It's so unbecoming to go about in boots and a tunic. You don't see the other she-elves in anything other than proper skirts, unless they have to ride.'  
  
Dino sighed at how shallow this seemed, saying she'd wear skirts instead if it pleased him. Legolas smiled. Dresses were pretty on her. Dresses showed off his 'trophy' much better.  
  
^^^^^ Skirts, you couldn't run in skirts, could you though? Speed was required, somebody who was quick had to raise the alarm before it was too late. A branch broke, seemingly outside her very front door.  
  
Biting her lip, she buckled the quiver of blue-fletched arrows on her back. She took her bow in her hand. she had to get out of there before her home was ablaze also.  
  
Unfortunately, the Prince of Mirkwood living in the same house as her, he insisted it was fit for royalty. Luckily, neither of them spent very much time there, but the house still looked pretty lived-in, making it more likely for the orcs to investigate it. But as she turned to dash to her doorway, she remembered she needed her elven-knives. You couldn't fight at close contact with a bow, their swords would cut it like matchwood and you'd be left holding a useless piece of tree. She groaned as she remembered.  
  
^^^^^ 'As a parting-gift, please, love, for me,'  
  
'But what if I ever need them?'  
  
'Then I will be there to protect you, won't I?'  
  
'Always?'  
  
'Upon my return, always' he replied. Dino seriously doubted that. Honeyed words couldn't disguise the fact he'd rather be off, just about anywhere else in Middle-Earth except here with her. But she gave him her elven- blades anyway, trusting him.  
  
'May they serve you well,' and he rode off, not looking back.  
  
^^^^^ Dino swallowed back her fear, knowing she was going to be in real trouble if she had to fight at close quarters. There was no other weapon or blade in the house (who would invade Mirkwood, after all?).  
  
She stepped silently down the stairs, pressed to the wall, an arrow on her bowstring. She paused, and there were a few seconds of horrible quiet, hearing nothing but her own ragged breath. She stepped forward to run.and stopped at the sight of a yellow flame, licking along the edge of the doorway. There was the sound of snarling from the other side, which died away.  
  
Oh Valar, she couldn't get out of here! Trapped! She started to panic, the smell of smoke around her. She couldn't breathe, let alone think. She shouldn't be in this sort of mess! There was no doubt that Prince Legolas was one of the best archers and fighters in Mirkwood. And he'd have been right here beside her, he would've positively enjoyed making mincemeat out of whatever Orcs there were outside, and he'd have taken his horse and be at the Halls of Thranduil faster than she could blink.  
  
If he'd cared enough to stay with her.  
  
Dino forced herself back up the stairs, and tried to think of a way out.the door was on fire, the windows were probably in view .but the balcony had lots of branches and cover, if she was careful enough to climb out the edge and escape.  
  
She ran to the balcony, the moonlight on it now with a red edge from the fire and the blood on the forest floor beneath. There was just one orc there, a slowish, old-looking one.  
  
An elven-child, tears on her small face shining and blinding her, ran past, not seeing him, and the orc snarled viciously and shot out an arm.  
  
Dino bit her lip and looked away as she saw the Orc's blade swing back and heard the child shriek wildly. The blood flowed in a river down the side of the tree as the shrieks were cut off abruptly.  
  
Sweet Eru, she should have done something, should have stopped this, should have saved the child's life.but what against a foe who was now pausing to lick the blade of his sword clean? She turned her head back to the room and silently vomited. As the flames started to appear at the door, she stood up quickly and took aim with a blue-fletched arrow. Come on, you're an elf, shooting comes naturally and you can have that orc pinned to the tree trunk in half a second.but a memory came to her.  
  
^^^^^^ 'How is it you shoot so well? I have never seen you miss your target, and nor has anybody I've ever asked. Would you show me how your skill is so great?' asked Dino wonderingly as the Prince loosed off yet another arrow.  
  
'Of course,' he replied, 'Gladly'. 'Gladly' because he genuinely wanted someone else to be able to shoot as well as him, or 'gladly' because he was so very flattered?  
  
He'd stood behind her, showing the correct way to stand, the right way to aim, the perfect way to loose off arrows at speed, the correct way to nuzzle her neck, and the right way to forget about the archery and begin kissing her instead.  
  
^^^^^^ 'Archery' lessons had happened more frequently than Dino would have liked. Maybe if he'd actually taught me something I wouldn't be in this trouble. I didn't think I would be, and neither did he.  
  
But I am.  
  
She shut one eye, lined the arrow tip up with the orc's head, and released the string. It twanged emptily and in a split-second, she knew it wasn't going to fly straight.  
  
She watched despairingly as the arrow scooted over the top of the beast's head, causing him to whip suddenly about at look up to see her, silhouetted against the orange glow at her back. 


	3. Why I Hate LegolasPart 3

Why I Hate Legolas-Part 3  
  
She quickly yanked another arrow from her quiver, put it to the bowstring and aimed. If she'd had time to think, she would have told herself not to tremble and let the arrow fly off-aim once again. The old orc was a slow- moving creature.  
  
He saw the arrow coming, and blinked just the once before it hit his eye and stopped him seeing anything ever again.  
  
Dino could feel the warmth of the fire at her back now. It was a long way to the ground, but she hardly had a choice. She shut her eyes and jumped, landing cat-like and balanced, and paused for a minute to turn and look at was had been her home.  
  
Was it her home? The Prince had certainly treated it like his. A long time ago, she'd thought that one day there might be more than the two elves living there. There might have been children.  
  
But, as Legolas had said, what would be the point of having an heir to the throne of Mirkwood when there were already seven, whom would all live until there was no need to rule because all the subjects had sailed to the undying lands? But that wasn't why Dino wanted a child, he would have known, if he'd thought to ask.  
  
She hared off into the night, running as only an elf can, tearing her skirts in the process so she could move quicker. If she got a message to the king of the Woodland Realm, before the orcs overpowered them through sheer numbers alone, the king's warriors would soon hunt every last orc down- they were efficient, deadly soldiers.  
  
^^^^^ 'So now you're properly a warrior, now Thranduil has declared you're one of the best in the whole of Mirkwood - are you going to leave on one of these quests he keeps sending his soldiers off on? Going to leave me?' she jested; wishing a tiny part of her wasn't hoping it was true.  
  
'Dino,' he replied, wrapping his arms lazily about her. 'The only reason for being a warrior is so I can protect this place. Protect here. Protect you. I've been to many places, I've seen much of Middle-Earth, and if I had wished to stay, I could have. Surely there is no better place than my home?'  
  
Dinondo agreed. She was still agreeing as she watched his horse gallop off at dawn, almost a year ago, in the direction of Rivendell.  
  
Namaarie. ^^^^^ Dino was running blindly now, trying to keep to the cover of trees and shadows, but so many had been cut down or set ablaze, the glow lighting up the gloom unearthly colours. She could hear orcish voices, near her, loud and snarling, but she couldn't tell where. They seemed to be all around her, chasing and calling. She saw two of the orcs, up ahead, and swiftly changed direction, like a deer being pursued.  
  
Glancing behind her, she didn't see the creature that stepped out from behind a tree bole. She turned to see the notched blade whistle down. She saw the fresh blood in front of her eyes. Then she saw nothing else. ~~~~~ Lying on the ground, looking up at the same stars that were over the burning forest, and listening to grasshoppers nearby, Legolas Greenleaf wondered if Dino missed him. The more he thought about her, the more he began to think he missed her. He felt the handles of the elven blades, reassuringly solid and made from the wood of a tree very close to where they lived. When he returned, he would give her them back. When he returned, he would tell her of the things he had seen and how he really this time wanted to stay where his people were. When he returned, he'd teach her proper archery and not mind if she beat him in shooting contests. Thinking happily of all these things, his eyes shut, still seeing the image of the night sky.  
  
The End. 


End file.
